Thursday, May 03, 2012

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

Honestly, I am not the kind of person you shall like at once. I am the opposite. I know that and I deal with it effortlessly.
I am writing about that because someone asked me yesterday “How to make me hated by someone else ?”. I guess that it was a private joke but I answered back wittily “By acting like me !”. I hardly ever stay unnoticeable. First of all, visually, you can see me. Then I have my temper and I am not that shy. Well, basically, I am shy. But I am not. You know, I’ve been torn apart since I am a kid.
I have, somehow, a double personality. It is not easy to explain. I am basically the same person at the office and in private, but I am most likely a better and nicer person in private than in my professional circle. What I do know is that I am a control freak whenever it comes to professional life. I dislike being misjudged or ignorant about a file, so I really do my best to know any aspect of my job. I am quite self-confident in my professional life. Whenever I have to say an idea or my opinion (even though I haven’t been asked for… especially, if I am not supposed to, though !), I do it because I’ve already considered any piece of the case and know my part. I’ve always done that, in any of my jobs situation, I adapted myself very easily and I am good at. Don’t be modest here !
“Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not”
This sentence (Title of Arctic Monkeys’ first album) could be the perfect dictum to describe myself. I know who I am… for at least three decades. I was about 11 when I realized whom I was and how I could react to be polite and untamed at the same time. When I say I am shy it is not that correct. Surely, I am not the one who is going to start a conversation or even get up and speak in front of a crowd. I much prefer saying that I am reserved. There is a part of snobbish too. I don’t talk to anybody about anything anywhere.
I do say things I just want to share and won’t let any of my inner thoughts pop out without controlling any of them. I am a control freak, you name it !
Mainly, I like to be detestable. It is very easy to be hated and it is an improved solution than being loved. You never fail by being hated because people don’t expect much from you that you’ve already shown. But when you are liked by everyone, the people have higher standard toward you and don’t forgive any little failure. I am not supposed to be loved by anyone, and I don’t want to. I never wanted to. I’ve always trusted my circle of friends and I never asked for friendship or love.
Amusingly, my closest friends really disliked me at once and then “discovered” me a bit more and changed their mind. I never did. I have this ability to know whether someone is going to “suit” me or not. It is rather odd to feel that : meeting someone and feeling that this person is good or evil.
So, yes, I am a pain in the ass, a snob, a bitch, distant and a bit arrogant ; Yes I have strong temper and definitive ideas about some things, but I am mainly a real human being and above all an artist ; whatever the definition of artist is that what I am. I feel for people, situations and I am way too idealist to be stuck into normality. My sensibility and idealism are mainly the most treasured qualities I own and am proud of.
The skills I have define me the most. I guess that you can straightforwardly learn more about me looking to my photographs, paintings, sketching or by reading my stories, poems. Do not believe that this blog is about my inner life…. It is about what I just fancy to let you know. Call it whatever you want but being a bit self-effacing is a true power.
I am what I am and I am proud to be that way.
Love me or loathe me, I don’t really care”… That’s what I gave as advice to this person.